Friends and feelings

I guess I don't blame my friends for giving up on me because I am needy and I do complain a lot because I'm lonely but it is so hard on me when my friend does give up on me, it's very hard on me, I take it very personal instead like say oh, well that's people for you.  I wonder why they can't stay in my life if they love me the only problem is with that is may they really didn't love me.  I think different then other people, instead of saying to myself oh, well that just people they come and go in and out of your life all the time, I say but why can't friends stay in your life, I just don't understand it, at all.  I ask my Mom all the time why did my friends leave me I was so nice to them what did I do, is it them of me, and Mom says it's them, it's you because you are so nice to them.  Then I say but it can't be everyone.

That's probably why I am trying so hard with this friend because I don't want to lose her, I don't another friend, like I said if I lose this friend then I just going to give up in making friends, because it hurts me too bad to lose a friend.  Sometimes I think maybe I am too nice to them, maybe I am too nice to my friends that I have now, then I  say is there such a thing in being too nice?  I just don't want to lose this friend that I have now, she is special to me, her and her family.  But  I am afraid that I am losing her as a friend because she won't e-mail me, not everyday and she won't respond to me most of the time, I don't know because it is summer and she is overwhelmed with everything or what but I ask her questions on e-mail and she doesn't answer them, and I told her but she even didn't respond to that, what a good friend I have, no wonder Mom doesn't like her.  Mom had told me in December that Sister Michelson had said, "I hope that I never disappoint Susan" but she did by not e-mailing me as much.  I want her to know how happy and excited I was that Rebecca wrote me I was so happy and excited I even told my Mom after she got home my friend wrote me, my friend wrote me, she keeping her promise she really acing like a best friend to me, she really want to be my best friend! :)  That was in November but by December things changed she stopped e-mailing me as much and I wonder why, I wonder if I offended her somehow, what changed, to my mind people don't or should just stop writing you for no reason, there must be a reason.  I  remember a lot, more then people realize, I remember on November 3rd she was more concern about making me upset that she sent me a special e-mail that had touched my heart and called me to see if I was okay but now she doesn't even do that, it's like "I made Susan upset again oh, well, she's always upset at me."   People has to STOP getting mad at me because I tell them my feelings, I can't help it.

I want Rebecca Michelson to know just how much that I really love her and her family and I just hope and pray when I do send her this link that she will understand but right now I am afraid that she will get mad at me.  They are so special to me, I want to show them just how special they are to me!  Hopefully Sister Michelson will give me a change too, to show her what a nice, sweet, kind and loving friend I can be to her
and her family and maybe someday she will show me just how much she loves and care about me too.

As I was writing this our doorbell rang, it was Julie and Spencer wondering if I wanted to play so I invited him our house and then he wanted to stay here.  Miracles do happen, Sister Michelson might not pay attention to me but Spencer and Julie did. :)  I am so thankful that they came over, even though it was less then an hour, I still had fun though, and maybe they can stay longer next time.  And I do know that Sister Michelson is busy, I really do but I always wonder why she can't think of me and e-mail me or make those cookies for me and come to my house and give them to me like she said she was thinking of but never did, she said but at least I was think about you, I thought it would be nice to let me know that you were thinking of me I was thinking that you wasn't thinking of me on that Monday.  I told Mom that I want to make cookies for her and actually give them to her and not just think about it.

Sister Michelson have tried to explain to me even though a friend leaves your life you are still friends, but I just don't understand it, how can we still be friends though I just don't understand.  I can understand it if they keep in touch but if they don't keep in touch I don't understand how we could still be friends.  I consider a friend someone that keeps in touch with you even after something change in their lives, like moving, having kids, starting a family.  I hope someday I will understand what Sister Michelson means when she say we're still friend even after she leaves my life.

I have a lot of bad feelings that needs to come out if someone would just listen and understand them.  Like my Mom said yesterday I would be just fine if I just could get Rebecca Michelson to do more thing with me. That's true, I love her!  I ask Mom one time what does a friend means to you and she said a friend should want to be with you as much as you want to be with them.  I think she is right about that, I think if our friends wanted to be with us as much as we want to with them then we will always will be with our friends.  I don't understand why we can't always be with our friends, that's why I am upset with Sister Michelson, we didn't see each other for almost 2 weeks and she hasn't invited me over I miss her, I hope that she misses me too but I guess not!  I know her life is crazy right now but still don't you still miss me and want to see me?   Sometimes I feel happy when I think of all the fun memories that we had together but other times I get sad because I miss them!  Especially in November she was so much fun when she came over then, she is always fun though, that's what I love about her, the fact she is fun!  I wish I could let her know just how much fun I think she really is!  I invited her and her family to the Magical Forest last November with Becky's help, it was my idea though and this year I want to invite her and her family again, and if Becky goes to Utah this year then I will just have to pay for 3 of her kids.  Kirsten was so sweet, she said, "Thank you Susan for inviting us"  and Lydia really liked it too, but we all like the train, and I like it because I could go for the first time last year, they gave me a ride there.  So we both won.

I love my new friend

I didn't have a friend between 10 to 15 years so my life was so lonely, I was so lonely and bored I wanted someone, anyone to invite me over to their house but no one did.  One friend did do something with us every December for our birthdays but my sister and I had to wait for a year, and then another friend took us out every now and then and I really appreciate when friend remember us and did things with us like a few times about 13 to 15 years ago friends did come over to my house and we did do scrapbooking together, I loved that but even though I really appreciate the time that people did spend with me, it seems like I always wanted more, more time with them, more love and more attention, it feels good to be with somebody rather with nobody, and even though my sister is home with me now, thank goodness, I can't say that I am home alone anymore.  It still gets pretty lonely without anyone actual doing things with you.  That's why I think it would be fun to have a big family or to even have family here, so we could do things together and never be lonely.

Just before my Grandma got sick and died, I loved my Grandma, I started calling her and talking to her about 10 year ago and I miss talking to her, she was an awesome grandma to me but I did get frustrated at her when she never called me though, I wondered why she never called me.  So anyway one time we were talking on the phone and I was telling her about my first friend that I met after I got out of school, I had prayed that I would find a friend, someone I could walk to their house even though I know I would bug her, I wanted a friend, my prayers were answered I met my friend on January 1993 and we started doing things together shortly after that, but it's funny that I have to make the first move before they start doing things with me.  We have been thing ever since until she moved in February 96, I thought we would keep in touch at least but she stopped keeping in touch with me altogether after we moved on December 26, 1996.  So basically she was my friend for only 3 years.  Before they moved I thought we would still do things together but not as often as before but she didn't, that broke my heart because I really liked that family.  It still hurts me that she didn't like me enough to keep in touch with me.  I met my other friend after we moved in our ward and we remained friends until we switch wards witch I didn't understand that, because she didn't move or anything we just switched wards.  So I haven't had a friend after that for about 10 to 15 year until I met this friend that I have now.  I felt like that I didn't really need friend after I decided to start calling my Grandma because I had my Grandma to talk to but after my grandma had died then I needed a friend again. So before my Grandma (my Dad's mom) got sick we was talking and I told her how much I would like to be apart of my friend Sandra's family I prayed about it but it never happened I said if I was apart of that family then my life would change for the better and she said, "I bet it would, but don't worry I have a feeling that something wonderful going happen in your life soon."   Almost immaterially I was hoping it was my friend Rebecca would come into my life and change my life for the better.  I want to be happy not only for a few sort years but for the last of my life, I like her to be my caretaker and live with us, I been praying about it and hoping that my prayers will be answered and it will happen then I will get my wish.

Mom had a friend that worked at her school named Tonya and Mom and Tonya became friend even though Tonya was my age, she started doing things with us after we moved into this house.  My Mom got so excited when Tonya and her family came over and we did things together like a family I would babysit their kids while Tonya and Mom went shopping together and we ordered pizza and have dinner together, and one time we had Thanksgiving together we were like family Mom was so happy, I remember one time Mom came home from school so excited she said Tonya's coming over, Tonya's coming over!  In a happy voice, I just want her to be happy again like that.  Because Tonya moved and just like our other friends she did not keep in touch with us. It's sad but that how people are, I don't know why, I don't understand it.  Tonya or her husband both didn't have any family here so they did things with us because we don't have any family here either, so we became each other's family, until they move into their new house and met her neighbor then Mom said she stopped doing as much with us.  So now I wan't my friend Rebecca and her family to do things with us just like family, why not, they don't have family here and we don't either.  Maybe someday but Mom has to want it too, maybe it's meant to be.  But I am afraid it won't happen and she will leave my life too, that's why I am praying, fasting, doing everything I can do have her stay in my life.  But sometimes I do have feelings that it will happen, but now just convince my friend that she is suppose to be in in life.  I am so afraid that I'm going to lose her, so I'm making sure that I don't bug her even though I want to e-mail her more and I want her to e-mail me more and I want to call her but I know that she is busy, I just wish that I know what she busy with that she doesn't have time to invite me over.  That's one of the reasons I go into the girls room or the blue room because I feel such a burden to that family I just feel like they really don't want me around, they have their family and that's enough for them, and the fact that I just don't want to go home.  Who wants to go home and be lonely again?

My friend has already done so much for me, she cut my hair and she came to my house and visit me, she invited me me to the water park to go swimming with her and her family, and one Sunday she invited me home with her to watch the movie Frozen and for dinner and just to be with them.  She is really nice to me.  I just don't like when she ignores me, I wrote her e-mails thinking and hoping she would respond to me but she never does.  She told me once she doesn't know what to say, I said say something, tell me what I would say to you.  Is that so hard, I only want her to show me that she cares about me like I care about her.  I am shy too I rather have Becky call my friend Rebecca then to have me to bug her, I keep thinking that she won't be able to talk to me.  The last time I talked to my friend on the phone Becky called her and she wan't home so she called me back and we talked and she understood me and my feelings, I had a bad day that Saturday, and she listened to me, one of the last things I said that I just want my Mom to be happy and she said I know you do, that made me happy that she understands that.  I would like to do so much with her and she do thing for me like picking us up at Opportunity Village, and have the bus take us to her house so I don't have to walk home in the heat because I am still mad at Dad for what he did to me.  How dare he to treat me like that, he treated me less then a human being and I am even his daughter, I am still upset that he disowned me too but Becky doesn't care she say but he still our Dad.  How can he still be our Dad if he disowned us?  The reason he disowned so so we won't get anything after he dies.  What a mean Dad, he also wants to put up in a group home after Mom dies but we DON'T want to go to a group home.  Does Dad love us at all?  A group home is NOT  for us!

 HELP ME PLEASE Sister Michelson, please help me, I don't want to go to a stupid group home! :(  I am so scared to I have to go to a group home, please, please be our caretaker and live with us we can take care of each other.

A New Friend A New Dream

I have a new dream my dream is no longer to live in Utah in the basement but my new dream is to live with my new friend Rebecca, except I want her to live with us when Mom can't take care of us anymore.  She is nice and so much fun but most of all she likes me and accepts me for who I am and she is just like me and I love that in her!  She comes over to my house to visit me and to hangout with me, we have fun together, and she e-mails me.  She has 4 little girls that keep her busy but she still has time for me she makes me feel special.  I just want to be there for her and do anything that I can to help her out.  I met her at church and when she became Nursery Leader that's when she befriended me and we became friends, I love all of the love that she gives me in Nursery and I feel because she befriended me then she wanted to be a friend to me and be my friend.  I liked it one time she said to me "I have a feeling that you don't get very much love at your house."  She was right, I don't get very much love or attention at my house or even in my family. :(  So she tries to give me that love and attention in Nursery, and then things slowly began to happen, at the end of last September she began to e-mail me on her birthday because I tried to send her a birthday e-mail and last October when Dad give us those Christmas tickets to a Christmas play because there were only two tickets Mom wanted to give them away plus she really didn't want to go; I immediately thought of the Michelson's, let's give it to them for date night because I wanted Rebecca to be my friend and do things with me and not just every Sunday in the Nursery and I know to have a friend you must be a friend, so I gave her those tickets in November as a surprise. And I said I want to be your friend and she said, "I'm already your friend" then she told me "How about if I come to your house on Tuesday" I asked what time and she said after 1 so she came with her youngest daughter Eliza, and we had so much fun together, she is so much fun, I just love her!!  I am so very grateful that she came into my life! :-)  I am so thankful that we met, thanks to Heavenly father I have a really good friend; I really love her and her family so much!!  They have really been a blessing in my life!   Now I like to pretend that we are family, and I buy some things for them and I like to go over to their house and give it to them, that is if I can convince my Mom to drive me over there, for some reason I don't think that my Mom likes to go over there because she gives me a bad time every time.  Ever since I start praying and hoping and wishing and waiting for Rebecca to come into my life and to be a friend to me, finally my prayers were answered and our friendship has grown, I compare our friendship to a seed I planted the seed if it grows and blossoms and blooms them it was a good seed and our friendship grow but if the seed dies then our friendship wasn't mean to be, oh how I prayed, I prayed really hard for the seed to blossom and bloom and not die but there were times that I wondered if that seed was going to make it because it was dying and it was dying fast but with a little tender and care and love, faith and prayers my seed came back alive and it started to grow again and then we became friends again.  She comfort me she comforted me even when my Dad didn't think that I was worthy to be comforted, to him I am just a stupid girl and I am playing a victim because I want to be loved and cared for and I playing games, he makes me feel bad, he makes me feel that I am no good just because I am handicapped and just because I am handicapped I won't be anyone in life I'm no one special and I don't think like him, and now I think that everyone thinks that I am playing a game and I am playing the victim just because I want to be cared for, he has really missed up my mind over the years, even though I don't live with him he still says mean things towards me and he is self-centered too because Grandma's dog was hurt and I went to my Dad for help and then I noticed that he was bleeding so I tried to get his attention but when I finally did he screamed at me "What do you want me to do about it!!"  and when I told my friend about it she what a jerk and I agreed with her, 100%, he is a jerk especially after what he did to me one Tuesday night, he screamed at me for no reason, literally for not reason.   I was so stressed out that I scratched my face until it bled, and that surprised me that I would scratch my face so hard that bled, I thought I was just barely scratching my face, but what really surprised me I said that I was going to kill myself and he said GOOD!!  What a bully!  So after we got home he kicked me out of my own house so I ran away trying to go to my friend's house I know she would comfort me and she did after Mom had took me.  My Dad wasn't even sorry for what he did, he didn't even look for me, he didn't even care!  I wanted to go where I know the only person that cared about me would comfort me because according to my Dad I am not worthy to be comforted ether.  What is so shocking to me is how self centered my Dad can be, that my Dad can be so self-centered that he cares about no one except himself, he doesn't care about anyone feelings he doesn't even consider them.  No wonder I have self-esteem problems.  But my friend was so sweet to me she put me on her lap and comforted me while I cried, what a kind thing to do and when I told her that I told Dad I was going to kill myself a few seconds later she said softly that's not an option, I bet she was sad for me, aww, that's nice, after been treated like a nobody all my life then someone walks into my life that actually cares about me, I am just hoping and praying that she doesn't give up on me and leave my life like my other friends did.  My friend has a friend that I was hoping that she would want to be my friend too so I would have two friends that did things with me instead of just one but she e-mailed me and told me that she was too busy to be my friend, I was crushed, how rude she can be Rebecca's friend she isn't too busy to be her friend but she's too busy to be my friend though!   That hurts!!  Like my friend said that night why is everyone mean to you, you are so sweet.  I thought good question.