Still fighting

September 10, 2007
Mom listens to me with her ears but she doesn’t listen with her heart! Tonight we tried to have Family Home Evening and she got upset when I tried to tell her how I feel about other people can help you to make you feel better. It may be your own choice to be happy, that’s true what Mom said that nobody can make you happy and then I said but they can help you to be happy, and then I gave her an example about me and I was upset and mad at her because I felt like I wasn’t getting the attention and time with my Mom. And she got mad at me by saying in a raised voice and her frustrated voice that she has to work all day and she can’t write Uncle Theran, Gail and call Grandma Tracy anymore because she has to pay all her attention to me! That wasn’t what I was saying, all I was saying spend time with us and without being negative all the time, that isn’t asking a lot just a little of Mom’s time everyday! She kept talking to us (mostly me) Mom also gave be an example by saying if I write Dr. Phil and telling him that she is abusive and she could get fired from her job and they will put her in jail and where would we be, what will happen to us (with her raised voice) I think she was upset at me, maybe she found out I wrote him. By this time I went in my room because I couldn’t stand it, I couldn’t take the abuse anymore! I told her that’s why we never can have Family Home Evening because we end up fighting or making feel bad like tonight. And of course it’s all, my fault again, and it not her fault, what is the matter with her? She won’t get fired or go to jail just for emotionally abuse but I don’t know about physically though. Mom says the devil put bad thoughts in my head and makes me feel that way which is bad, but maybe the devil made Mom treat me that way. But she never will realize that!

I feel this way because Mom treats me like this, like Mom closed her door again so that make me feel like she is mad at me. And I think what did I do? Is it really my fault? Dr. Phil says children blame themselves and I am no exception. I blame myself for everything even though I know it’s not my fault, just because Mom is mad at me.

September 11, 2007
What is the matter with Mom? I think she has some issues with Dad about the divorce back in 1996. But there was some issues before that, they got legally separated in 91 and he took Tami, I was in Utah when he took Tami. That situation was a nightmare and I still have to deal with it! I think that she needs therapy again, she had therapy about 16 years ago, and now she tells me it didn’t help much so she basically wasted her money then. Grandma Toombs told me today she might need a different therapist because I am tired of being blamed for something that wasn’t my fault or I didn’t do! Like last night, I didn’t do anything and she was blaming me or she sounded like she was blaming me though! I feel like she always blaming me and pointing fingers at me, and I didn’t do anything. Grandma asked me today, does your Mom get into your e-mail? I said no, Mom say that’s those things are private but I would like her to read my journal. Then Grandma said so she can understand your feelings, I said yeah.

I think I have panic attacks when my Mom comes home and I have anxiety also because the way Mom treats me, Mom isn’t kind to me or happy after she gets home from school and Mom’s bad attitude affects me, even when I try to avoid it, I just can’t If I stay in my room then Mom thinks that I am mad at her but what I am really doing is trying to avoid yelling, screaming and a bad attitude. I am trying to avoid a bad situation. I don’t think Mom has a clue about how I feel and I don’t think she really cares either, I think she thinks I am selfish, self-centered and I am just thinking of myself but I’m not, I knows how she feels too if she just listens to me with her heart instead just with her ears. I also know anther problem is she is stressed out from school, and that puts a lot of stress on her.

I think the way she is making me feel is stressing me out and that is causing my stomach to hurt and other problems. One time I was talking to Grandma Toombs about my stomach problems and we talked about if it was stress that causing my stomach problems and Mom was stressing me out then why doesn’t she stop stressing me out?

Mom closed her bedroom door again, and I even was in the bathtub when she got home so I know I didn’t do anything, oh, she drives me crazy! She denies that she's making me feel that way but she is.

September 12, 2007
Mom left without saying goodbye to me and she didn’t even try to come to my room, I know because I was awake because Becky isn’t up yet she usually say bye to me because my door is always opened and Becky closed her door at nights. Mom doesn’t realize the way she makes me feel when she does this and she doesn’t care, she just cares about herself. She is so stubborn; she thinks she’s always right no matter what!! She says she’s not mad at me but she treats me this way, sure she isn’t mad. Even if she thinks I am mad at her she still shouldn’t treat me this way and I bet Dr. Phil will agree with me too; because I am right on this, she’s my mother and she treats me like this. Mom doesn’t realize the emotional scares she leaves on me. I really think it’s about time that we get some help for our problems! Mom doesn’t own up to her own actions, I really wish someone, anyone would stand up for me, if they did then I will be oh, so ever grateful! Someone needs to be a hero to us; I am surprised Grandma Toombs won’t help me about this problem because I call her almost everyday so she knows what’s going on.

Maybe she is helping me because she gives me some good advice about how to handle my Mom but it is still really heard for me. Because it seems like nothing works, and I can't stop talking to me because she's my mom. I want a mother and daughter relationship with her. I want to be a good friend to her if she lets me.