Friends and feelings

I guess I don't blame my friends for giving up on me because I am needy and I do complain a lot because I'm lonely but it is so hard on me when my friend does give up on me, it's very hard on me, I take it very personal instead like say oh, well that's people for you.  I wonder why they can't stay in my life if they love me the only problem is with that is may they really didn't love me.  I think different then other people, instead of saying to myself oh, well that just people they come and go in and out of your life all the time, I say but why can't friends stay in your life, I just don't understand it, at all.  I ask my Mom all the time why did my friends leave me I was so nice to them what did I do, is it them of me, and Mom says it's them, it's you because you are so nice to them.  Then I say but it can't be everyone.

That's probably why I am trying so hard with this friend because I don't want to lose her, I don't another friend, like I said if I lose this friend then I just going to give up in making friends, because it hurts me too bad to lose a friend.  Sometimes I think maybe I am too nice to them, maybe I am too nice to my friends that I have now, then I  say is there such a thing in being too nice?  I just don't want to lose this friend that I have now, she is special to me, her and her family.  But  I am afraid that I am losing her as a friend because she won't e-mail me, not everyday and she won't respond to me most of the time, I don't know because it is summer and she is overwhelmed with everything or what but I ask her questions on e-mail and she doesn't answer them, and I told her but she even didn't respond to that, what a good friend I have, no wonder Mom doesn't like her.  Mom had told me in December that Sister Michelson had said, "I hope that I never disappoint Susan" but she did by not e-mailing me as much.  I want her to know how happy and excited I was that Rebecca wrote me I was so happy and excited I even told my Mom after she got home my friend wrote me, my friend wrote me, she keeping her promise she really acing like a best friend to me, she really want to be my best friend! :)  That was in November but by December things changed she stopped e-mailing me as much and I wonder why, I wonder if I offended her somehow, what changed, to my mind people don't or should just stop writing you for no reason, there must be a reason.  I  remember a lot, more then people realize, I remember on November 3rd she was more concern about making me upset that she sent me a special e-mail that had touched my heart and called me to see if I was okay but now she doesn't even do that, it's like "I made Susan upset again oh, well, she's always upset at me."   People has to STOP getting mad at me because I tell them my feelings, I can't help it.

I want Rebecca Michelson to know just how much that I really love her and her family and I just hope and pray when I do send her this link that she will understand but right now I am afraid that she will get mad at me.  They are so special to me, I want to show them just how special they are to me!  Hopefully Sister Michelson will give me a change too, to show her what a nice, sweet, kind and loving friend I can be to her
and her family and maybe someday she will show me just how much she loves and care about me too.

As I was writing this our doorbell rang, it was Julie and Spencer wondering if I wanted to play so I invited him our house and then he wanted to stay here.  Miracles do happen, Sister Michelson might not pay attention to me but Spencer and Julie did. :)  I am so thankful that they came over, even though it was less then an hour, I still had fun though, and maybe they can stay longer next time.  And I do know that Sister Michelson is busy, I really do but I always wonder why she can't think of me and e-mail me or make those cookies for me and come to my house and give them to me like she said she was thinking of but never did, she said but at least I was think about you, I thought it would be nice to let me know that you were thinking of me I was thinking that you wasn't thinking of me on that Monday.  I told Mom that I want to make cookies for her and actually give them to her and not just think about it.

Sister Michelson have tried to explain to me even though a friend leaves your life you are still friends, but I just don't understand it, how can we still be friends though I just don't understand.  I can understand it if they keep in touch but if they don't keep in touch I don't understand how we could still be friends.  I consider a friend someone that keeps in touch with you even after something change in their lives, like moving, having kids, starting a family.  I hope someday I will understand what Sister Michelson means when she say we're still friend even after she leaves my life.

I have a lot of bad feelings that needs to come out if someone would just listen and understand them.  Like my Mom said yesterday I would be just fine if I just could get Rebecca Michelson to do more thing with me. That's true, I love her!  I ask Mom one time what does a friend means to you and she said a friend should want to be with you as much as you want to be with them.  I think she is right about that, I think if our friends wanted to be with us as much as we want to with them then we will always will be with our friends.  I don't understand why we can't always be with our friends, that's why I am upset with Sister Michelson, we didn't see each other for almost 2 weeks and she hasn't invited me over I miss her, I hope that she misses me too but I guess not!  I know her life is crazy right now but still don't you still miss me and want to see me?   Sometimes I feel happy when I think of all the fun memories that we had together but other times I get sad because I miss them!  Especially in November she was so much fun when she came over then, she is always fun though, that's what I love about her, the fact she is fun!  I wish I could let her know just how much fun I think she really is!  I invited her and her family to the Magical Forest last November with Becky's help, it was my idea though and this year I want to invite her and her family again, and if Becky goes to Utah this year then I will just have to pay for 3 of her kids.  Kirsten was so sweet, she said, "Thank you Susan for inviting us"  and Lydia really liked it too, but we all like the train, and I like it because I could go for the first time last year, they gave me a ride there.  So we both won.